Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
