She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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