here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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