mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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