You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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