hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
