I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize