Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
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