When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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