New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sorry my hands just texted you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
