I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
