he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
