it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
