I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
