so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
