yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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