my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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