My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
