Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
