I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
