Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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