wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
