you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
