I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize