Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
