I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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