Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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