I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize