just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
