1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
