She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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