Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
