Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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