highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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