I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
