my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
