yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
