Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
