I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
