John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
