We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I love you. Go after that dick
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
