Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
