the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize