K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
