Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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