His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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