Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Barsexuality is the new black.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
