I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So here I am, sexting at work.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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