i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
