Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize