Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
