I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
