yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dignity is for republicans.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
