my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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