Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize