he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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