Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
