my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize