Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
