you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
