The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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