If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
