One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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