shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
