you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
