he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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