After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
