btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
