I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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