she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize